Mommy's sick, baby.
You see, Crystal? l can be a good father.
Now, let me see my son. Come here, kwame.
You're still fine, strong.
Didn't you get right back up, that time we had that little fight?
-You went right back to work. -You gotta get help, Beau.
You gonna marry me?
Damn it, Beau, no. l'm not gonna marry you.
My babies can't keep seeing their mama like this.
Your... Your kids?
So, what you trying to say? That they ain't mine?
You're just a damn whore.
ls that your man down there in that car? Are these his kids?
-Give me my kids! Beau! No! -Get off me!
Where the hell is she?
Get off!
-Beau Willie! -No, no!
Beau Willie!
-Give me the babies! -Get off! How're you gonna do this to me?
Help her.
Help her! Help her! Help! Help her!
Help! Help!
Here they come!
Help her! Help her!
Help her! Help her! Help her! Help her!
Help her! Help her! Help her! Help her somebody!
Don't just stand there!
-Willie! -Oh, my God.
You're gonna marry me, bitch!
-Beau! -Qnswer!
No, please don't do that.
No!
Where?
ln my apartment.
ln your apartment? A friend?
-Very difficult to press charges against. -He's not a friend.
You'll hear things like,
"She knew him. She must have wanted it.
"A misunderstanding.
"These things happen.
"She invited him in. What did she expect was gonna happen?"
Ma'am, are you sure you didn't suggest?
No.
l have to ask. Had you been drinking?
One sip of wine. l don't drink.
A rapist doesn't have to be a stranger to be legitimate.
Someone you never saw.
But if you've been in public with him,
danced one dance,
kissed him goodbye lightly
with closed mouth,
pressing charges will be as hard
as trying to keep your legs closed while five fools try to run a train on you.
"These men, friends of ours
"Who smile nice and stay employed And take us out to dinner
"Lock the door behind you And we are left with the scars
"Being betrayed by men who know us
"And expect like the stranger we always Thought was coming that we will submit
"We must have known
"Women relinquish all personal rights
"ln the presence of a man who could Apparently be considered a rapist
"Especially if he has been Considered a friend
"And is no less worthy
"Of being beat
"Within an inch of his life
"Being publicly ridiculed Having tzo fists shoved up his ass
"Then the stranger we always thought lt would be who never showed up
"'Cause it turns out The nature of rape has changed
"We can now meet them ln circles we frequent for companionship
"See them at the coffeehouse With someone else we know
"We could even have them over for dinner
"And get raped in our own houses
"By invitation
"By invitation"
Okay. l'll pick the bastard up.
-l'm looking for my daughter. -What's her name?
Nyla Adrose.
She's with a social worker.
Police found her passed out in the street. ln here.
Mama, please don't be mad at me.
Rock of ages, let me hide myself in thee from this sin.
l'm sorry, Mama.
Can you remember anything at all?
Speak, child.
All l remember
"ls tubes
"Tables Whitewashed windoWs
"Grime from age wiped over once
"Eyes crawling up on me
"Eyes rolling in my thighs
"Metal horses gnawing
"My womb dead
"Get off of me all of this blood, bones
"Shattered like soft ice-cream cones
"l couldn't have her looking at me pregnant
"l couldn't have my friends see this
"Dying, dangling betzeen my legs.
"So l didn't say a thing
"Not a sigh
"Or a fast scream to get those eyes off of me
"Get those steel rods out of me
"This hurts
"This hurts me
"Nobody came
"'Cause nobody knew
"Once
"l was pregnant
"and ashamed"
of myself.
-Oh, no! No! No! -What's going on?
Crazy-ass man dropped the children out the fifth-story window.
Why'd he do that?
l apologize in advance,
but l'm gonna have to ask each of you a few questions.
-Did each of you witness what happened? -Yes.
-How do you all know each other? -Well, l don't know...
l'm the manager of the apartments. l live next door to her.
-She's my assistant. -Okay.
Donald.
Excuse me.
-What? -What did you do? What did you do?
-Mama! Stop it, Mama! -You sent her there. You sent her there.
-You are the darkness. What did you do? -You all right, baby?
Get out. Get out.
Do you even know her name?
Do you even know her? Do you know anything about her? Get out!
-Get out! Get out before l kill you! Get out! -No, no. Mama, stop it!
What's wrong with you?
Letting all these men crawl up inside you like that.
How can you have any relationship with God inside me?
She could've killed her.
-She could've killed me. -l was with you!
-You think that made it okay? -Yes!
-l didn't want to be there! -l was with you!
-l didn't want to be there! -l was watching her!
You weren't by yourself!
l didn't want to be... You made me go!
She's an alcoholic demon. She could've killed her.
You sent her there alone.
The pair of you could not have come from me.
He only left you that money
so you could control me,
like he did.
He used to put his hands up my dress,
told me l was the only one he needed.
He told me l was ugly.
And when l was 1 5, he gave me to a white man.
He said he wanted beautiful grand-girls.
No.
Not like me.
He said, "Don't sleep with the darkness."
-And then you came. -Mama, please stop lying.
-He touched you. -Shut up!
He touched you, too.
l can tell. l can smell it on you.
You don't know me.
l do.
l know you.
"You used to wear
"These orange butterflies...
"l am a deliberate coquette...
-"...And aqua sequins... -"...Who could never do without...
"...Ensconced betzeen slight bosoms
"...What l want
-"And l wanted to be unforgettable -"Silk roses darting from behind your ears
-"The passion flower of you... -"l wanted to be a memory
-"...Meandered down Hoover Street... -"A wound to every man
-"Arrogant enough to want me -"...past dark shuttered houses
"Where women from Louisiana shelled peas Round three o'clock
-"And sent their sons whistling to the store -"l am the wrath of women in windoWs
"Fingering shades Lace curtains
-"Camouflaging despair and stretch marks -"You glittered in heat
"Seemed to be looking for a ride When you wasn't
-"And absolutely eyed every man... -"l glittered
-"...Who wasn't lame, white, or nodding out -"Honestly delighted, l am desired...
"You let your thigh slip From under your skirt crossing the street
-"...To experience my body and spirit... -"You slowed to be examined
"...Tearing so easily Blending with theirs
-"l watched you -"And they were so happy
"The rhinestones etching The corners of your mouth suggested
"Tears, fresh kisses That had done no good...
"Full and wet
"Lined with iridescent feathers The hairs around your navel...
-"And l kissed them reverently -"...Seemed to dance and you never let on...
"That you knew from behind Your waist was aching to be held"
You don't know me.
l know you.
You're the devil.
Get out.
Get out!
You don't know me. You don't know me!
Get out!
You think you're so holy? You let him do that to me!
You're just like me!
What the hell are you looking at, you old bitch?
Nothing.
Open my door.
Not till you apologize for talking to me like that.
l said open this motherfucking door! Open my door!
Hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you doing in here?
Have you lost your damn mind? Get your ass out of my apartment.
Gilda! Gilda!
Sit down and shut up.
-l'm gonna say this for the last time. -Sit down and shut up.
lf you don't put this ice on your face, you're gonna turn black and blue.
You want that?
-lt makes sense, you know. -What?
You and your mama.
Sleeping with all these men thinking it's just sex.
lt ain't just sex, honey. lt all has a root.
And you gotta find that root to pluck it.
"At 4:30 a.m. you rise Moving the arms and legs that trapped you
"You sighed Affirming the sculptured man
"And make yourself a bath Of dark musk-oil Egyptian crystals
"And Florida water to remove his smell
"To wash away the glitter To watch the butterflies melt into suds
"And the rhinestones Fall beneath your buttocks
"Like smooth pebbles in a Missouri creek Laying in water
"You become yourself
"Ordinary brown-braided woman With big legs and full lips, regular
"And those who fall prey to the dazzle Of hips painted with orange blossoms
"And magnolia-scented wrists
"Had wanted no more Than to lay betzeen her sparkling thighs
"And had planned on leaving before dawn
"And when you finish writing your account Of her exploit
"ln a diary embroidered With lilies and moonstones
"You place the rose behind your ear
"And cry yourself to sleep"
Damn you, listening to all my business through this wall.
l used to be you.
Frank?
Not when l need him most. Why do l always do this shit to myself?
l got...
Hey, baby.
-Hey. -l got your favorite Chinese.
What's wrong?
l'm okay. Just hold me. Just hold me.
-You all right, baby? -l'm okay.
-Baby.
-Just hold me. -Yeah.
-Hold me. -lt's gonna be all right, sweetheart.
Where were you?
Playing basketball with the fellas.
Jo, what's wrong?
My assistant's children were murdered today.
-Wow. -l saw it.
l saw everything.
For eight years...
Eight years this girl has been working for me, and l never knew she was abused.
Crystal.
What kind of person am l?
Every single day, she's in my face, Carl. l never knew it.
You okay?
l was sitting here and l was thinking,
"Who can l call? Who can l talk to?"
You should've called me.
Come on, come on. Come on.
l'm here now. Okay? l'm here.
Let me get you cleaned up, okay?
l'll get you cleaned up. l'll run a nice, hot bath for you, make you feel better.
l got you, baby.
Mama, l am so sorry.
That that was growing inside you was a sin.
lt had to be destroyed.
You go pray to Elnohim for forgiveness.
l don't hear you praying.
Kind and gentle God, l pray that you will forgive me, for l have sinned.
Give me the strength to resist the temptations
-that the devil puts in front of me. -l don't hear you praying.
l pray for your forgiveness,
-and then l can become a better person. -Hear yourself, child.
We call upon you to take the devil out of this child!
Take the devil out of this child!
Clear this child. Come out! Come out, child!
Why doesn't somebody come and save you?
Let go of me!
Repent! Repent! Repent!
Hi.
l can't get this blood out.
lt's here,
and people walking all over it, my babies' blood.
A part of me knows this happened, but most of me feels like l'm dreaming.
Am l awake?
l don't feel awake.
This must be what death feels like.
Have some respect for my babies!
-l'm sorry. -Nyla.
-She just pulled my hair hard, that's all. -Crystal, do you have a dry towel?
Crystal?
Can l have a dry towel?
No, l like you, too. Hey, you better be careful...
-You happy now, Tangie? -What're you doing in there?
You sent me to that woman and you knew.
You should have told me that the $300 was for an abortion,
instead of lying like you did.
-Baby. Baby, who's that? -That's just my sister.
Can she come over and join us?
-She's 1 6. -Qnd?
Motherfucker, get your ass out of my hallway.
-Baby. -No, l don't want to see your face!
l don't want to see your face!
Crazy bitch.
Yeah, you got the short eyes. Yeah? You like to fuck little boys, too?
You like me 'cause l got my little titties? They remind you of a kid?
Sick-ass motherfucker!
-What's she doing in here? -Who are you?
l'm her sister.
She had a fight with your mother. l'm gonna let you guys talk.
-Hey. -lt's not funny.
Sweetie, with a mother like ours, you better learn how to laugh,
to keep from crying. Did she do the oil?
l got it, too.
But l did not think that she would do it
-to her favorite... -Stupid bitch! Stop laughing at me!
lt's not funny!
l'm sorry.
No, l know what it's like to be laughed at.
-l apologize. -Why do you hate me so much, Tangie?
-l don't hate you. -Yeah? Because you act like it.
Yeah, l know.
Come on.
You can't love somebody with that much hurt in them.
l'm learning that more and more.
l don't know what's wrong with me.
"l've lost touch with reality l don't know who's doing it
"l thought l was, but l was stupid
"l was able to be hurt
"And that's not real
"Not anymore
"We should be immune
"lf we're still alive
"How are we still alive?
"My dependency on other living beings For love
"l survive on intimacy
"And tomorrow that's all l've got going
"lt's all l've got Being alive
"And being a woman
"Being colored is a metaphysical dilemma l haven't conquered yet
"Do you see the point?"
We're sisters, Tangie.
l think the least that we can do is just be there for each other.
"Once there were quadroon balls
"Elegance in St. Louis
"Laced mulattoes Gambling down the Mississippi
"To Memphis, New Orleans
"And okra crepes near the bayou Where the poor white trash would sing
"Moaning strange liquid tones Through the swamps
"Sechita had heard these things
"She pushed the clinging Delta dust With painted toes
"Creole Carnival was playing Natchez
"Sechita, Egyptian goddess of creativity Second millennium
"Threw her heavy hair in a coil over her neck
"The recording of history Spread crimson oil on her cheeks
"Waxed her eyebrows
"And unconsciously slugged The last hard whiskey in the glass
"The broken mirror she used To decorate her face
"Made her forehead tilt backwards Her cheeks appear sunken
"Sechita had learned to make allowances For the distortions
"But the heavy dust of the Delta Left a tinge of grit and darkness
"On every one of her dresses
"Sechita was anxious To get back to St. Louis
"The dirt there didn't crawl from the earth lnto your soul
"At least in St. Louis The grime was store-bought
"Second-hand.
"Sechita could hear redneck whoops And slapping on the back
"She gathered her sparsely sequined skirt And made her face immobile
"Like Nefertiti approaching her own tomb"
ls that him, ma'am?
Yes. What happened to him?
He raped a woman, and she stabbed him.
l guess the bastard got what was coming to him, huh?
l guess so.
Paging Dr. Peter, please call...
Dr. Peter, please call...
-They just pumped her stomach. -Can we see her?
Not just yet. As soon as she stabilizes, l'll let everybody know.
Babe. Come on to bed.
l will.
How long are you gonna do this?
l was supposed to get them out of there.
Because we had to go see a doctor about not being able to have a child,
meanwhile, leaving those tzo kids in that apartment...
Hey, one thing has nothing to do with the other.
No matter what, l love you. Come to bed.
Frank?
Frank, l know you thought l forgot this morning, but l didn't.
Frank! Happy birthday?
No. No!
"Somebody almost walked off With all of my stuff
"And didn't care enough To send a note home saying
"l was late for my solo conversation
"Or two sizes too small For my own tacky skirts
"What can anybody do with something Of no value on an open market?
"Did you get a dime for my things? Hey, man
"Where are you going with all of my stuff?
"This is a woman's trip And l need my stuff to 'ooh' and 'ah' about
"Honest to God, somebody almost ran off With all of my stuff
"And l didn't bring anything But the kick and sway of it
"The perfect ass for my man And none of it is theirs
"This is mine Juanita's own things
"That's my name Now give me my stuff
"l see you hiding my laugh
"And how l sit with my legs open sometimes To give my crotch some sunlight
"This is some delicate leg And whimsical kiss
"l gotta have to give to my choice
"So you can't have me Unless l give me away
"And l was doing all that Till you ran off on a good thing
"And who is this you left me with? Some simple bitch with a bad attitude
"l want my things
"l want my arm with the hot iron scar
"l want my leg with the flea bite
"Yeah l want my things
"l want my calloused feet And quick language back in my mouth
"l want my own things How l loved them
"Somebody almost ran off With all of my stuff
"And l was standing there Looking at myself the whole time
"lt wasn't a spirit that ran off with my stuff
"lt was a man whose ego Walked 'round like Rodan's shadow
"lt was a man faster than my innocence
"lt was a lover l made too much room for
"Almost ran off with all my stuff
"And the one running with it Don't know he got it
"l'm shouting, 'This is mine' And he don't even know he got it
"My stuff is the anonymous Ripped-off treasure of the year
"Did you know Somebody almost got away with me?
"Me, in a plastic bag under his arm Me, Juanita Sims
"Somebody almost walked off With all my stuff"
Tell them.
Why is it that every time somebody knocks on this door yours opens?
Now, what do you want with her?
Just get your nosy ass back in your apartment.
Go on!
Hi. Hi.
We're having a get together at the community center tonight,
-and we would love for you to come. -No. l don't think so.
lt will be good for you to get out, you know?
lt's in honor of my little sister's going away to college,
and getting her out of my apartment. lt'll be fun.
-lf l feel up to it. -Yeah. Yeah, all right.
You can bring somebody if you want to.
Don't... Don't bring her.
l feel you looking at my ass, old lady.
-All right, you can come. -ls that your way of apologizing to me?
l notice you haven't had any visitors lately.
-Mind your business. -l see you're starting to mind yours.
"Ever since l realized There was someone called a colored girl
"Or an evil woman A bitch or a nag
"l been trying not to be that And leave bitterness in somebody else's cup
"Come to somebody to love me
"Without deep and nasty smelling scars From lye
"Or being left screaming in a street Of lunatics whispering, 'Slut, bitch, bitch'
"Nigga, get out of here with all of that l didn't have any of that for you
"l brought you what joy l found
"And l found joy
"And then there's that woman who hurt you
"And who you left three or four times And then you went back
"After you put my heart ln the bottom of your shoe
"You just walked back to where you hurt
"And l didn't have nothing
"So l went to where somebody Had something for me
"But none of them were you
"l got a real dead loving here for you now
"'Cause l don't know anymore How to avoid my own face wet with my tears
"Because l had convinced myself That colored girls have no right to sorrow
"l lived for you
"l know l did it for myself But l couldn't stand it
"l couldn't stand being sorry And colored at the same time
"lt's so redundant in the modern world"
-l guess this is goodbye. -Like you've never seen it before.
Crystal?
Crystal.
Did you eat today?
No, you didn't.
No.
Crystal, what is your plan?
What are you doing, baby? You just gonna lay here and die?
How could he do it?
lt wasn't just him, honey.
But l tried to stop him.
You had to stop him long before he got to that window.
-Are you saying this is my fault? -What l'm saying, Crystal,
is you gonna have to take responsibility in some of this.
How much of it you take is up to you, but you gotta take some of it.
Until you do,
you're just gonna be living to die. l know it hurts,
but you gotta get up from here.
But l didn't save my babies.
Then save some other woman's babies.
Help another woman who's missing what you're missing.
There's too much life wrapped in your voice.
You gotta get up from here.
Come on. Come on, baby.
Come on.
Come on, baby. Come on. Come.
lt's all right.
Now, Crystal.
Crystal, l want you to breathe.
Come on.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, baby, that's right. That's right, baby, breathe.
Breathe. Breathe for me. That's right.
My last husband, I had a detective follow him,
and even though l didn't do that with you,
l know l ignored everything in me to be with you.
Baby, why don't you just tell me what the hell you're talking about?
l went to my gynecologist,
and before you, every level in my body was fine.
Baby, are you sick? Talk to me.
Tell me the truth, Carl.
Who have you been sleeping with?
Jo, l promise you since...
Since you and l have been together, l have not slept with another woman,
and l promise you that.
-What about a man? -What the fuck did you just ask me?
l see the way you look at them when you think l'm not paying attention.
l see it. The pool boy in the Hamptons, my driver,
the guy the other night at the opera. l see it all, Carl.
You have no idea
how much l hate coming up into this motherfucking house sometimes.
Every day, Joanna, if it ain't you telling me what to wear,
how to look, calling the shots over my head.
Are you gay?
How you gonna ask me a question like that?
How did you marry a woman,
and then turn around and let a man bend you over?
Ain't nobody bending me over.
So you doing the bending? ls that what it is?
l don't wake up holding another man,
walking down the street holding some man's hands.
That's gay, okay?
That ain't me.
You're saying a lie, Carl. You're saying a lot without saying nothing at all.
l'm saying
that your husband is a man, Jo.
l'm a man every day of the week.
l'm a man.
l'm just a man who enjoys
having sex
with another man, Jo.
No attachments, no fucking...
No relationship,
just sex, you know?
That's what l'm saying,
and l'm sorry.
l'm sorry, Jo,
for my truth.
"Save your sorry
"One thing l don't need Are any more apologies
"l got sorry greeting me at the front door You can keep yours
"l don't know what to do with them l can't even... l gotta throw some away
"l can't even get to the clothes in my closet For all the sorries
"You know what? l'm gonna put a sign
"A sign on the door Better yet, l'm gonna leave a voicemail
"A message on my voicemail
"'lf you called to say you're sorry Then call somebody else
"'Cause l don't use them anymore'
"l let... l let 'l'm sorry, l didn't mean to'
"And 'how could l know about that?'
"Take a walk down a dark and musty street ln Brooklyn, Carl
"Well, l'm gonna do exactly what l want And l'm not gonna be sorry for none of it
"Let sorry soothe your soul
"l'll soothe mine
"You know You were always being inconsistent
"Doing things And then saying you're sorry about it
"Beating my heart to death Talking about your sorry
"Yeah, well, l'm not gonna call you
"l'm not gonna be nice
"l'm gonna raise my voice l'm gonna yell, l'm gonna scream
"l'm gonna break things
"l'm gonna race the engine And tell all your secrets
"About you to your face And l'm not gonna be sorry for none of it
"l loved you on purpose
"l was open on purpose
"l'm not even sorry about you being sorry
"You can take all your guilt And all your grime
"And do whatever you want with it Just don't give it to me
"l can't use another sorry
"Next time, Carl, admit it
"Admit that you're mean Admit that you're mean
"That you're low-down, down-low, trifling
"And no count straight out
"lnstead of being sorry
"Enjoy being yourself"
When l get back, l want you gone
and take your HlV with you.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
And l am just so excited that you came. l want you to meet everybody.
Ladies? Ladies?
This is Miss Bradmore. She's the one who gave us all the money. Yes!
Now, now, l want to show you the roof. l'm just so excited.
We had it fixed because of you!
Mama!
Come on.
-l brought her some things. -ls it ticking?
Where is she?
Over here.
Nyla.
Hey, Mommy.
l'm so proud of you.
-You want some food, Mama? -No.
l have to go.
This is the devil's music.
Yes, it is.
How many women in your classes have HlV?
Two out of four, and usually from someone they trusted or loved.
You know, l don't know what's worse, if it's the betrayal or the virus.
HlV is not the death sentence that it used to be.
l mean, l have patients that are on their meds
and have great lives and have been living them for the last 20 years.
Women just give up so much.
Just so much of their power.
lt can happen to any of us. Anyone that's in love.
Miss Juanita, look who's here.
-l can't believe... -Crystal!
...l'm having such a good time and there's no man around.
Well, you leave that where it is.
My love is too beautiful to have thrown back on my face.
-That's true. -l like that.
-Try one. -What?
Well, l do it all the time in my class.
You just say, "My love is too..." and then you fill in the blank.
"My love is too sanctified To have thrown back in my face"
-All right, now see? -"My love is too magic
"To have thrown back in my face
"My love is too complicated To have thrown back on my face
"My love is too music To have thrown back on my face
"My love is too Saturday night To have thrown back on my face"
Yes, and you remember that
when a man tries to walk off with all of your stuff.
l know that's right, or saying sorry a million times.
We all have "l'm sorry" stories, don't we?
"Get this. Just last week My ex old man comes in saying
"'Baby, l don't know How she got your number, l'm sorry'
"No, no, this is it 'Baby, you know l was high
-"'l'm sorry' -"'l'm only human'
"'Our inadequacies Are what make us human
"'lf we were perfect We wouldn't have nothing to strive for
"'So, you might as well go on And forgive me 'cause l'm sorry'
"This one is it.
"'l do you like l do you 'Cause l thought you could take it
"'No? l'm sorry'
"'Now l know you know l love you
"'But l ain't gonna love you The way you want me to love you
"'l'm sorry'
"'Shut up, bitch
"'l told you l was sorry"'
lt's okay.
l asked myself,
how l could let that happen.
l realized
"l was missing something
"Something promised
"Something so important
"A laying on of hands
"Fingers near my forehead
"Strong, cool, moving
"Making me whole, sense, pure
"All of God coming into me
"Laying me open to myself
-"l was missing something -"Something promised
-"Something free -"A laying on of hands
"l know about laying on bodies Laying out a man
"And bringing him all of my fleshy self
"And some of my pleasure being taken Full, eager, wet, like l get sometimes
-"l was missing something -"A laying on of hands
"Not my mama
"Holding me tight Saying l'm always gonna be her girl
"Not a laying on a bosom and womb
"The laying on of hands
"The holiness of myself released
"l sat up one night
"Walking my apartment floors
"Screaming, crying
"The ghost of another woman Who was missing what l was missing
"l wanted to jump out of my bones Be done with myself
"Leave me alone Go on in the wind
"lt was too much
"l fell into a numbness
"Until the only tree l could see
"Picked me up into her branches
"Held me in the breeze
"Made me dawn dew That chill at daybreak
"The sun
"Wrapped me up
"Swinging rose light everywhere
"And the sky laid over me
"Like a million men
"l was cold
"l was burning up
"A child and endlessly weaving garments For the moon
"With my tears
"l found God in myself
"And l loved her fiercely"
Uploaded By: Smile 2 Me